Dear reader,

A lot has happened this year.
Friendships.
Family.
A Relationship.

Relationships.

I can tell you, I've lost friendships and have gained great ones. I've gained a great relationship and I've floated away with my relationship with my family except my brother's and today i just spent time with my mom. It made me happy because i could just talk to her about anything, including about my relationship with my dad and also we didn't really get into an argument today which is weird for me and her. We fight about the most ridiculous things EVER. Now if you know me, i don't agree with everything my mom says and i consider my mother as a woman who always has her head in the clouds. Also like my brother says as a joke that," Oh, mom isnt home. Well... she's really not here physically or mentally." We do love our mom dearly even though she doesnt realize shes a sinner and she needs Christ. It breaks my heart. Thinking back to my time at Morro Bay with the girls from Discipleship including: Amy Bender, Savy, Ashy, Kay, and Lauren, Bekah and Amber talked about relationships. And with our relationships with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, we need to keep each other accountable and when i heard that, something hit me. I remembered that Andy told me that i had to keep trying with my parents, to keep on persevering on telling them about Christ. Who He is and How wonderful and amazing He is. As i thought this, i realized that i havent been trying and i've been failing at that. Also it hit me that, i havent been talking to people like i used to at PV. Just because i'm at a different school, as a new kid, freshman, doesnt mean that should stop me from talking to people about Christ. I loved that Girl's Retreat it made me realize how such a failure i am. Even though my family is not saved and that grief will always be with me until they are saved, even though i know Christ and i am known as a godly lady to my church and to whoever who knows me, I HAVE TAKEN FOR GRANTED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST WHICH I DO NOT DESERVE AT ALL.

Dear Mondays.

Dear Mondays
How I despise thee with the burning of intensity of a thousand suns.
NO no.... a million suns. MAMAs which stand for mad and angry faces
Sincerely,
Connie.

Flickering.

Flickering lights reveal in my sight.
The concealed becomes clear.
And I fright.
Images were imaginations.
Memories turned into Pictures,
Only playing in my head.
You're not the person you were when you were 3.
But I wish you would be.
Time and moments apart,
Became our division.
How could I have let you go?
Now I see a flickering light,
It burns out and I don't see you anymore.

Muse

My day was kinda bad and good. Mostly bad and painful but I saw some good out of it. Lets see I woke up today and I showered and got ready to go to the Women's conference but nobody picked me up and I said alright thats okay. So then I watched Pleasantville with my big brother and it was interesting. Then we watched The Karate Kid. I didnt want to watch it at first but gave in and actually enjoyed it which made me realize older movies are better than the movies that are coming out today, I mean its not like I'm comparing The Karate Kid to The Dark Knight which has NO comparison whatsoever because the Dark Knight is amazing I thought. But if you think about it, what do we watch these days? Mostly they are all full of sexual immorality. After watching all 4 movies of The Karate Kid oh yes i was this bored.... I took another shower and here I am typing away. Anyways, The Kutless concert yesterday was awesome! (: i took some sweet pictures i'm posting them up on facebook and maybe some on here.

Tonight i found out that my grandma had tripped and fallen to the ground without me knowing it when i was home all day long. How in the world does that happen? I feel so bad because of that and the worst part is that she didnt yell help or anything! She also twisted her ankle my mom said which makes everything so difficult right now. Just pray that I can help my grandma and that I can have strength throughout difficult times. I know I can't do it without strength from Christ.

Rain

Okay so Kellie this is what i wrote in literature when i first wrote you your letter:

The pitter patter of rain drops hit the ground and against my window pane.
Unpredictability goes through my mind while i hear the splashes of puddles and drip drip drop
reminding me of the fun rainy days with my friends.
Laughter and shouts are heard as we're on the rooftop dancing.
Long lasting colds after awhile and thoughts of love comes to mind.
Silence of pitter patter, clear blue skies, a big sun, and an amazing promise in the sky to show us of His kind love.

The hardest falls.

The falls that are the hardest are from the people you love.

I fell hard today. It hurts and will continue to hurt. Why is it that God has put me in this situation? I don't understand! My mom made me go to this Buddhist temple with her. She forced me to pray to the gods... Nothing has made me wanted to just drop and cry right there than that moment.. At times I dont think this is fair, they arent just but who am I to question God?! Why am I not trusting in Him? Don't I love Him more than everything?! Don't I desire to be with God and to spend my eternity with Him? Isn't my joy and satisfaction found in Him? YES! Then why do I feel so stranded? Deserted on an uncharted island with no one?.

I feel that sometimes I can't and don't find happiness and laughter within this household. I want God to save my parents.... I cannot fully express how I feel. I might relate to how Rose from Titanic felt: I feel as if I’m in a room screaming and no one even looks up. I felt so hostile and full of anger today.. i don't want to feel like that again. never.

I've shed so many tears and prayed about my many fears
Help me to hold onto to You God. I feel so feeble and alone. I know you are sovereign:

Because when I fall down you pick me up and when i am dry you fill my cup, You are my All in All.

Yay

I feel so much better than what i felt on Saturday and Sunday. If you wanted to know I had actually still have a cold but its going away just in time for winter camp(:

Amazing isn't it? I know:D

Alright so I have my ways with things and how I think and do. Kellie reminded me about them(: like I don't know how to work my chopsticks "the right way" but i do it my own way so it makes them right hahaha. Also I think more complex than what i look like. I'm a complex girl, well to guys' standard i'm not a "girl" weird concept but i know what they mean. I don't have those conditions or follow under conditions in the girl rule book as in if a guy talks to you more than he does he likes you and if he stops talking to you and then strikes another conversation then hes still interested. I'm not those types of girls who falls head over heels for a man like Edward. No man is like that. Sorry to break it to you chicks but that's the truth:P.

Anyways I am so hyped and ready for Winter Camp its not even funny.. haha. But my dad went away on a trip and wont be back until Friday. So sudden but its okay. To end i'm just gonna say Its Chinese New Year today and I'm not a buddist and I'm not celebrating it. I'm a christian but my family is so they are giving me money in red envelopes...now i'm not a complainer when i get money but how silly is that?

Realization

Everything is so different. I realize that my feelings for people have changed and how I look at things have changed slightly more. As time goes by, I see that friends from childhood to middle school to high school shows their true colors. Memories don't fade but some people drift away. It hits me everyday. I miss my old class of 08 at PV. They meant so much to me but i don't know half of them anymore. Most of them followed into paths of the secular world. drugs. sex. drinking. I guess you can say that's how life is if you are in the world's conspiracy. I don't know what God has planned for me despite that fact i know that everything that is happening right now is for His utmost glory and that is why I am NOT worried. I've met Kellie Amber Dietz and believe that shes gonna be one of my bestest friends because I can tell that she loves Christ with all her heart. I've gotten to know a lot of godly women in my church and people from my youth group. I'm so surprised because of this new year I'm closer to everyone that i should be close to. I am so thankful for that.

I've been shaken and stirred by God.